HBP According to Rita Skeeter
by Annie Wild 01
Summary: SPOILERS. HBP According to Rita Skeeter, very funny. Because the tru... because Rita's truth must be known. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **JK's world is JK's. (ButI love playing with it!)

**SPOILERS HBP. **

**HBP According to Rita Skeeter**

**Chapter 1**  
(London) After a scandal-infested reelected term filled with resignations, defeat in the Commons, and disagreements over European political issues, Muggle Prime Minister John Major's hope for yet another Tories victory in next May's general election is dashed.

Instead, the Prime Minister has turned to constant tête-à-têtes with former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, doubtless asking the Minister for advice on how to deal with post-resignation loss.

For unknown reasons, the Other Minister was advised to stay away from Dementors.

"That's right. And they're breeding," said former Minister Fudge.

The Other Minister could not be reached for comment.

**Chapter 2**

(Spinner's End) The alleged Dementor epidemic appears to leave Spinner's End, a largely Muggle-populated town, entirely unscathed. The only activity in the vicinity was an unplanned meeting between suspected Death Eaters Severus Snape, Narcissa Malfoy, and Bellatrix Lestrange.

Upon closer inspection, _The Daily Prophet_ confirms that the meeting was nothing more than a spontaneous game of alcoholic Truth or Dare. Much red wine was imbibed, interspersed with rounds of gameplay.

Hogwarts professor Severus Snape was lackluster as a daredevil, choosing Truth over Dare various times, disclosing the inner workings of the Death Eater organisation to his gamemates in painful details.

The game ended when Narcissa Malfoy could not withstand her gamemates' repeated taunts of "Cissy!" (a Muggle jargon that ridicules one's lack of courage) and took upon herself the dare to make an Unbreakable Vow with Severus Snape, to which the professor readily agreed.

No winner was declared for the game.

**Chapter 3**  
(Surrey) _The Daily Prophet_'s trip up to Number Four, Privet Drive—Harry Potter's boyhood home—authenticated once and for all that Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore's favourite jam is raspberry.

Contrary to popular belief, raspberry, or _Rubus idaeus_, is not a berry, but a composite fruit. A highly effective fever reducing agent, raspberries have been used by Muggles to concoct fever-reduction and cough-suppressing potions, which they call "syrup." Such raspberry flavoured medicine is rumoured to be quite tasty.

It is an open secret that Harry Potter was not treated well by his Muggle relatives, denied such simple pleasures as raspberry syrup. But Harry was fortunate in this instance.

Dudley Dursley, Harry Potter's cousin, appeared to suffer from raspberry syrup overconsumption.

"The best that can be said is that he has at least escaped the appalling damage you have inflicted upon the unfortunate boy sitting between you," said Albus Dumbledore to Petunia and Vernon Dudley of Harry Potter, while eyeing a rotund and raspberry medicine oversaturated Dudley Dursley.

**Chapter 4**  
(Budleigh Babberton) Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and Harry Potter were spotted outside the home of former Hogwarts professor and Head of House, Horace Slughorn, yesterday.

Reason for Professor Slughorn's resignation many years ago was unclear. Some said that his conduct around a select group of students—both male and female, but particularly male—was highly questionable and led to his eventual dismissal from Hogwarts.

If the speculation is correct, then at least the current Horace Slughorn is a reformed wizard. "There was no need to stick the wand in that hard," said an obviously out-of-practise Slughorn to Headmaster Dumbledore. "It hurt."

Slughorn seemed to have taken a liking to Harry Potter, a very attractive boy. If Slughorn indeed returns to teach at Hogwarts this year, there will be no dispute as to the compelling reason that drives his return.

**Chapter 5**  
(The Burrow) The Ministry of Magic recently announced the creation of a new department—Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects. Former head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, Arthur Weasley, was appointed head of this new department.

_The Daily Prophet_ is unsure of Mr. Weasley's competence in his new post. He seems to lack the passion he used to have for his former position.

When asked what his life ambition was, Mr. Weasley replied without hesitation: "To find out how airplanes stay up."

Perhaps Arthur Weasley is better off remaining in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office.

On a lighter note, Molly Weasley, wife of Arthur Weasley, appears to have taken up a part-time job: matchmaking (or, in her son Bill Weasley's case, matchbreaking).

Auror Nymphadora Tonks has been spotted as a frequent guest to the Burrow—the Weasley home—an apparent effort on Mrs. Weasley's part to pair her up with one of her many sons.

On the matchbreaking front, arguments abound daily between Mrs. Weasley and Fleur Delacour, Bill Weasley's fiancée.

"Yes, well, your father and I were made for each other," Mrs. Weasley said defensively to her children. "Whereas Bill and Fleur… well… what have they got in common?"

In support of every witch and wizard's freedom of choice, _The Daily Prophet_ is offering "I support Bill/Fleur" wizarding T-shirts for fifteen sickles each. Owl post orders only, please.

_NdA: It will be more ...soon._


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** HBP According to Rita Skeeter  
**Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince**

**Chapter 6**  
_The Daily Prophet_ is brought to you by our generous sponsors.

Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes:

"Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who?  
You should be worrying about U-No-Poo  
The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!"

We will return to our regularly scheduled articles tomorrow. Thank you for your patience, and by Merlin, go grab some U-No-Poo.

Draco Malfoy was sighted in a seedy part of Knockturn Alley, in the infamous Borgin's shop. But this is probably not as important as U-No-Poo.

**Chapters 7-25**

**Hogwarts Teenagers Infested with the Hormonal Disease  
– a worse epidemic than the anticipated Dementor outbreak**

(page A-1)  
(Hogwarts, Scotland) Between September and the forced closure of the school in June (due to the death of a Very Important Character), there was much snogging.

No students could be pried from their significant others for comments.

(page A-2)  
Cast your vote for Hogwarts' most promising OTP!  
♦ Harry Potter and the entire female population of Hogwarts  
♦ Harry Potter and the entire male population of Hogwarts  
♦ Harry Potter and the entire population of Death Eaters ("Going to get a few Death Eater pals to do us in, are you?")  
♦ Harry Potter and Romilda Vane  
♦ Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood  
♦ Harry Potter and now-ex-girlfriend Ginny Weasley  
♦ Harry Potter and ex-girlfriend Cho Chang  
♦ Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley ("The battle still raged inside his head: Ginny or Ron?")  
♦ Harry Potter and Professor Severus Snape ("There's no need to call me sir, Professor.")  
♦ Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince  
♦ Harry Potter and Headmaster Albus Dumbledore (_The Daily Prophet_ confirms that quite a few "private lessons" took place this year.)  
♦ Ronald "Won-Won" Weasley and Lavender "Lav-Lav" Brown  
♦ Ronald Weasley and Romilda Vane  
♦ Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger  
♦ Ronald Weasley and the Giant Squid  
♦ Hermione Granger and Cormac McLaggen  
♦ Hermione Granger and long-distance pen pal Viktor Krum  
♦ Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson  
♦ Draco Malfoy and Ugly Girl #1  
♦ Draco Malfoy and Ugly Girl #2  
♦ Draco Malfoy and Ugly Girls #1 and #2  
♦ Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter ("Harry Potter… was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy.")  
♦ Draco Malfoy and Moaning Myrtle  
♦ Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood ("Harry saw Neville being helped into a seat by Luna.")  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Harry Potter  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Hermione Granger  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Ginny Weasley  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Marcus Belby  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Cormac McLaggen  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Romilda Vane  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Blaise Zabini  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and any student  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and Professor Severus Snape ("Snape was trapped, with Slughorn's arm around his shoulders…" "'Snape!' ejaculated Slughorn.")  
♦ Drunk!Professor Horace Slughorn and drunk!Hagrid  
♦ Professor Horace Slughorn and any professor  
Please send your votes via owl post to _The Daily Prophet_ within three days.

Correction: it appears that teenagers are not the only ones infested with Hogwarts' love disease. Headmaster Dumbledore, being frequently absent from the school this year, could not be reached for comment on the permissibility of staff-student relationships (specifically, Slughorn-student relationships), should they happen.

(pages Z 1-17 of _The Daily Prophet_, or, the last section, i.e., Not Important)  
Things sort-of-worth-noticing during the 10-month love endemic:  
♦ Hogwarts Headmaster suspiciously absent from school most of the year  
♦ Boy-Who-Lived too poor to purchase schoolbooks? Harry Potter given second-hand Advanced Potions text.  
♦ Cursed necklace nearly kills Hogwarts student Katie Bell – assassination attempt?  
♦ Slughorn to poison student? Harry Potter saves best mate  
♦ Harry Potter cast Dark Magic on fellow classmate, claimed Professor Severus Snape  
♦ Giant spider dies at old age, three present at funeral  
♦ Gryffindor won Hogwarts Quidditch Cup  
♦ Mental condition of Draco Malfoy unstable, a snubbed Pansy Parkinson claimed in the wake of spotting Malfoy going out with two big-boned female students  
♦ Horcruxes – what are they? An exclusive look into a soul-splitting theory  
♦ Madam Rosmerta of The Three Broomsticks behaving strangely, causes unknown

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

**NdA:_Thank you for yours reviews!_**

**Title:** HBP According to Rita Skeeter  
**Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince**

**Chapter 26**  
(A cave, somewhere) Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was spotted with Harry Potter on a mountain getaway, a reliable source reported.

Reason for the escapade is unknown. But _The Daily Prophet_ speculates that the intimate friendship developed between Harry and the Headmaster over the school year had readied them for The Next Step. Interviews with several Inferi confirmed that inside the cave was a locket of priceless value, kept there for over half a century.

Is the locket the Headmaster's trinket, a prized gift reserved for that Special Someone?

The exact events that took place inside the cave were unclear. Water being an excellent sound conduit, however, what took place in secret was audible to the outside world. The Headmaster could be heard speaking with slurred speech (a sign of intoxication?), making a declaration of undying love to his young travelling companion: "I am not worried Harry, I am with you."

Could it be that a celebration at Hogwarts is underway?

**Chapters 27-28**  
Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, b. 1840, died yesterday night while defending the Hogwarts castle from a Death Eater attack. The Killing Curse that ended the Headmaster's 157 adventure-filled years was cast by former Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, Severus Snape, now a confirmed Death Eater still loyal to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Perhaps the person who suffered most from the shocking turn of events is Harry Potter, who over the past year has had a growing rapport with the endearing Headmaster. "I am Dumbledore's man through and through," Harry was heard to have admitted proudly.

Harry was visibly seeking death so he could embark on the Greatest Journey with his departed companion. "Kill me then," panted Harry to Snape, who felt no fear at all, but only rage and contempt. "Kill me like you killed him, you coward!"

Snape was scared off by Harry's brave disregard for his life, leaving the site with a fierce denial: "DON'T CALL ME COWARD!" Harry Potter survived the Hogwarts battle unharmed.

Will Harry Potter hold up under yet another loss of a loved one? Only time can tell.

**Chapters 29-30**  
(Hogwarts, Scotland) Hogwarts staff and students, as well as Ministry personnel, lay to rest the great Albus Dumbledore at an invitation-only funeral yesterday. Those present included Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour, former Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, Junior Undersecretary to the Minister Percy Weasley, Ministry representative Dolores Umbridge, and Harry Potter.

"He will only be gone from the school when none here are loyal to him," said Harry of Dumbledore, smiling in spite of himself.

The ceremony was solemn, the only excitement was the interruption of a phoenix shaped wisp of smoke rising from the white tomb and departing skyward.

"Dumbledore was a man who possessed unsurpassed nobility of spirit, unparalleled intellectual contribution, and an infinite amount of compassion that could only come from his greatness of heart," said the eulogist, a short man with knotted hair in black robes.

As for Harry Potter, what will he do next?

Harry declined an offer for an exclusive interview, but was overheard promising to pay one last visit to his relatives in Little Whinging, Surrey. "But it'll be a short visit, and then I'll be gone for good," he said.

Gone for good, to where? It appears that Hogwarts will not be missing one, but two, wizards for the upcoming academic year.

The Hogwarts Board of Governors will meet next week to discuss the school's future. Should Hogwarts remain open, current Transfiguration professor Minerva McGonagall will succeed Albus Dumbledore as Headmistress.

In response to this year's main debacle, the Hogwarts infestation of the love disease, Dumbledore has the last word: "I would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world."

In honor of the Headmaster, the winner of the _Daily Prophet_ OTP voting will be announced in next Monday's issue.

Rest in peace, Headmaster Dumbledore!

From _The Daily Prophet_.

— Rita Skeeter

**The end**


	4. Epiloge

**HBP According to Rita Skeeter**

**Epilogue**

SHORTENED VERSION OF HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE

(because too many words. AM I RIGHT?)

**CHAPTER ONE: THE OTHER MINISTER**

Prime Minister (muggle) chats with Fudge-Fudge and Scrim-Scrim. PM is confused. His painting talks.

**CHAPTER TWO: SPINNER'S END**

Ciss-Ciss is mean. Bell-Bell chases after her. Ciss-Ciss holds Snape-Snape's hands tightly. Snape-Snape makes some vow with her. A wedding vow. LOL, JK. Idk, read the damn book.

**CHAPTER THREE: WILL AND WON'T**

Har-Har is apparently a snorer. He and Dumbledore pursue a flighty temptress.

**CHAPTER FOUR: HORACE SLUGHORN**

But then they visit a fat man.

**CHAPTER FIVE: AN EXCESS OF PHLEGM**

_"Well, we're N.E.W.T. students now!" grinned Ron. "Mum, are there any more sausages?"_ That's basically it.

**CHAPTER SIX: DRACO'S DETOUR**

Drac-Drac realizes that bossing grown men around is fun. He shows said grown man something that makes grown man very frightened. His adolescent penis, possibly.

**CHAPTER SEVEN: THE SLUG CLUB**

_"Maybe he's broken his Hand of Glory," said Ron vaguely, as he attempted to straighten his broomstick's bent tail twigs._ Har-Har's obsession with Drac-Drac commences.

**CHAPTER EIGHT: VICTORIOUS SNAPE**

Snape-Snape is victorious. Drac-Drac is also victorious, because he broke Har-Har's nose. Har-Har can't stop talking about him.

**CHAPTER NINE: THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE**

Hermione is stern to a fourth year with Fanged Frisbees! Oh yea, and Harry acquires a potions book belonging to a so-called Half Blood Prince. It's probably not important.

**CHAPTER TEN: THE HOUSE OF GAUNT**

There's a house of gaunt people. Actually, they're more psychotic than anything else, but this is not really their fault. They should really stop marrying their cousins, though.

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: HERMIONE'S HELPING HAND**

Hermione's hand...helps Won-Won. Not as dirty as it sounds.

Is here, when Her-Her becomes a marysue.

**CHAPTER TWELVE: SILVER AND OPALS**

Harry finds a new hobby: dangling people upside down by their ankles. That boy knows how to have fun!

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN: THE SECRET RIDDLE**

Harry feels bad because Voldemort didn't have a mama.

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN: FELIX FELICIS**

Placebo. (Both Won-Won and Herm-Herm get punk'd)!

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE UNBREAKABLE VOW**

Won-Won is a free agent, damn it. Herm-Herm knows an awful lot about love potions. Harry does _not_ like gillywater!

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN: A VERY FROSTY CHRISTMAS**

Harry threatens to stick a sprout somewhere in Ron's body. We finally find out what we've all been wondering--apparently, you can't break an Unbreakable Vow. What a plot twist. Also: Lupin and Harry have a little heart-to-heart, and Harry really likes Dumbledore.

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: A SLUGGISH MEMORY**

Harry likes a quiet life. We are reminded once more that Voldemort used to be quite sexy.

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: BIRTHDAY SURPRISES**

Won-Won loves Wom-Wom (Romilda, you meatheads). For this, he is poisoned. Hopefully, he will learn his lesson.

**CHAPTER NINETEEN: ELF TAILS**

Fred and George are rather disappointed that their little brother is unconscious. Understandable! Dobby is as overzealous as ever. Kreacher likes Malfoy, too; Harry is no longer alone in his adulation of the sensitive blond.

**CHAPTER TWENTY: LORD VOLDEMORT'S REQUEST**

Voldemort wants to teach at Hogwarts. Dumbledore says 'no' because he is no longer pretty. V. sad.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: THE UNKNOWABLE ROOM**

Won-Won is not an ace speller. One might guess that his joke about the hag, the Healer and the Mimbulus mimbletonia is not very funny, either. Disappointing.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO: AFTER THE BURIAL**

Aragog kicks the bucket. Harry gets lucky. Again, not as dirty as it sounds.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: HORCRUXES**

Harry and Dumbledore chill and talk about splitting souls.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: SECTUMSEMPRA**

Harry is a real jerk. Myrtle has two boys to choose ('moaning' takes other significate!)

**CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE: THE SEER OVERHEARD**

I can't believe this! Due to Won-Won's snow, everyone looks like they have terrible dandruff!

Harry and Ginny,'discuss the match'. Whatever. (Harrydemostrates that he'sa MACHO)

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: THE CAVE**

Dumbledore drinks a shitload. His bladder is astounding.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN: THE LIGHTNING-STRUCK TOWER**

Malfoy is very smug, but still no murderer. Dumbledore immobilizes Harry so that he does not jump his bones. (Really). A werewolf offers to eat Dumbledore. Someone forbids the idea, but Dumbledore dies anyway. Tough luck!

**CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT: FLIGHT OF THE PRINCE**

People fight or something. Harry keeps saying "Cruc--". Snape is the Half Blood Prince. Harry and his friends are too stupid to know who R.A.B. is. And oh yea, Hagrid lives, suckers.

**CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: THE PHEONIX LAMENT**

Fawkes sings a bird song. Everyone is moved. Harry's curiosity? Killed.

**CHAPTER THIRTY: THE WHITE TOMB**

A lot of things change. Harry is now what Americans would call a high school drop-out. Ron and Hermione support him all the way. The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.

MaryGinny is abandoned by Harry-Neo Spiderman. Poor criature, a hundred years waiting for that!

THEN:

The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left wondering what to do with the rest of their lives. Then they remember, and go back to ship wars.The book ends, and millions of fans are left stuf and go back to your ship wars, woman.


End file.
